I don’t know how to start this entry in this four year old blog. For the first time after four years I was able to open this account without even remembering its existence throughout the year. I decided to write another entry today because my mind and my heart felt so heavy today. For the past months. Since quarantine began. Since Covid changed everyone’s lives.
You see, last year, I took risk and made the biggest decision in my life. I decided to quit my full time office job in a known company in my city. I quit my job and flew to the county’s capital city to follow my heart. Few years ago I met a man. A foreigner man. Long story short I fell in love with him and decided to spend the rest of my life with him. But being with him requires me to leave the life I was starting to establish. A life I have planned for me and my family. I was certain enough I wanted that life.
Life suddenly became a bitch after I left everything at home with $300 on my bank account. My visa was not granted. Which meant I won’t be able to be with the man I love most. Which meant I just took the biggest risk of my life and lost. Which meant that I have nowhere to go now. My partner was miles away and I was alone in that city.
I decided to go home. At least I have my parent’s house, at least they will surely feed me. But months of hibernating inside the room I decided to take a risk again and get all the certificates needed just for me to enter his country.
Just when I thought I finally have direction, just when I was having a routine again, just when I was gaining my sanity again, Covid decided to mess up with me. Now everything is uncertain. I cannot pursue in applying another visa, I cannot enter his country, I cannot get the certificates needed, and when I look for jobs, the market is super competitive and for someone who had been unemployed for a year, I am surely the last option of every employer.
I am having episodes again. Episodes of crying not knowing what’s the reason. Episodes of self doubt. Episodes of anxieties. Episodes of thinking I just wasted my life.
I don’t know how to end this just like how I didn’t know how to start this.
Diary of a Psychology Student 